men are funny. or, the perils of getting what you ask for.

so i've dated a fair amount in my life. lots of different kinds of men (chicks too, but that's another post...)--professional, blue collar, older than me, younger than me, sexually adventurous & experienced, not so sexually adventurous & experienced. and so on. and i find, again and again, that men rarely want what they think they want.

so here i am. i'm attractive in my way and have a super-excellent personality. people usually really like me. add to that that i'm openly bisexual, and will talk about sex with anyone at the drop of a hat. since i am in the business of sex (my paid employment involves a lot of work on health & sexuality; i'm not a pro or anything.) i've had male friends ask me stuff about women's bodies & health stuff (like how to find a g-spot, what is that thing that feels like a nose that hurts when it gets hit, is it dangerous to go down on a woman while she's got her period, etc. etc. etc.) so i've sort of got a rep among a pretty wide circle of people as someone who likes to get her freak on--a lot--and knows a lot about sex. all well and good, right? wrong!

myth about men #1: men always want a lot of sex.
men are not really sexually insatiable. in fact (and this observation is drawn not only from my experience but from several friends who have had similar experiences, both in casual & committed relationships), a lot of men are pretty damn freaked out by a woman with a high sex drive. and it's not just cause of the demands on their meat--in fact, i looooove hands and am often happier to get my goody from a guy getting on my g-spot than getting fucked. (though i do loooooove to get fucked.) suffice it to say, i've got a pretty broad & expansive notion of sexual play and it's not just about penile-vaginal penetration. yet when faced with a high level of polymorphous perverse sexuality, almost every man i've dated has become distinctly uncomfortable with the amount of sex i want. a few (the more sensitive ones) have even used the words "objectified" and "feeling used for sex" and "overwhelmed." and i mean--i take good care of people so it's not like i'm just about getting mine. far from it. but i've become fairly resigned to the fact that it's very unlikely that a single man will be able to fulfill my sexual needs. i've had three relationships i can think of where i got my fill of sex: one was with a woman, one with a man, and one with a married couple i dated for a year. (in case you're wondering how much is enough, i am generally a three times a day girl--i want sex sex morning & late afternoon, and some special treat, not necessarily intercourse, at bedtime. and a few more times on the weekends.)

myth about men #2: all men want to do threesomes.
so--let's say that you have a sweet, loving, sexy, bisexual girlfriend with lots of bisexual female friends. according to our conventional cultural assumptions about masculinity, we might assume that said sweet, loving, sexy, bisexual girlfriend would be inundated with requests from various male partners to do threesomes, especially if she has mentioned casually that she would not be averse to the idea if it would please said male partner. i've never had a single guy i dated ask me to do a threesome (the couple i dated don't count). not one. some of them get "feelings" (sex is the curse of the feeling class), some of them get anxious (over ability issues, i believe), and others get possessive (over my pussy, apparently). my theory is that lesbian sex becomes a lot harder to fetishize & fantasize over once one is confronted with the fact that women really can and do pleasure each other & don't exist solely for male pleasure. i honestly do think that men are deeply threatened by women's autonomous sexual desire. sure it's real 70s style theorizing, but that don't make it wrong.

myth about men #3: all men want multiple sexual partners.
taking off from #2, i think most men believe that an open relationship would be ideal. even if it's just open for them! i've also told male partners who had things for other women that they could pursue them. (not in a mean way, just a "hey honey, if you wanna hit that just be careful & safe & have fun.") again, the suggestion never taken up. those feelings happen again, and it's funny to see the stiff dicks wilt when they have the freedom to pursue other women. when it comes down to it i think men primarily want comfort in their sexual lives, and getting (or having!) to pursue other women is just so much work!

i don't mean these observations to cut on men. in fact, i think it's great that men refuse to conform to patriarchal and masculinist imperatives and instead show evidence of their humanity and ability to resemble full human beings.

all the same, sometimes i wouldn't mind a threesome.