anallize* this
* you should see the entry below (so to speak. insert moronic-sounding beavis & butthead laugh here.) for the origin of this delightfully appropriate misspelling.
here’s a sort of confession: i’ve never done anal. i’ve wanted to for a long time, but i used to have lots of troublesome health issues that didn’t particularly make me excited about the for-real thought of cramming something up my cramhole. by the time i managed to get those issues under control anal sex was the equivalent of a kate spade bag—every pathetic mediocre wanna be was on the bandwagon. booooooring.
but though i have managed to hang on to my own secondary cherry i’ve fucked a lot of guys in the ass. in fact, i was once quoted (on a day when i was completely wasted by 10am) as saying that “analingus is the cure for the patriarchy.” why? i’ll tell you why. and i’ll tell you how.
first the how. i usually start off with a fabulous blowjob. i already give great BJs (and i have to say that from feedback i’ve gotten, i think i give really great BJs on a regular day), but when i decide i want to take some guy’s ass down i try to make it a super excellent BJ. after 10 or 15 minutes of excruciatingly excellent oral lovin involving extensive attention to the balls & beneath, boys are usually weak and helpless beneath my tongue. once they are sufficiently incapacitated with pleasure, it’s easy to slide lower & lower, til they slowly start admitting to themselves that it feels pretty good. there’s often an uncomfortable psychic moment for guys here, but a few extra strokes on the shaft (“look honey—you’re still a real man with a great big hard penis!”) takes care of those fears. that accomplished, i usually like to turn them on their hip to really get going. there’s sometimes another moment here, which is why you can’t stop the strokin. once they’re over that second hump, it’s generally pretty easy to finish the rollover, get them on their knees, and stick my tongue in their ass while giving the reacharound. personally i love to keep going and actually get my hands dirty, but i actually prefer to do that later, incorporated into a regular BJ. there’s nothing quite as delightful as giving a guy his first prostate orgasm. i’ve had guys (and i fuck big, manly men. blue collar, working class, beer-drinking athletes who can install wiring, build cabinetry, and sweat pipe and shit.) beg me to fuck them in the ass and scream and pass out and stuff. it’s quite rewarding. plus they really like to cuddle afterward.
but why? and how will analingus overthrow male power? cause getting their asshole licked makes boys feel all squirmy and soft and weak inside. basically, it makes them feel like girls. and once you like getting something licked you want to put other things in there. and once boys start taking it in the ass they can’t claim the kind of male privilege that comes with having an impermeable, impenetrable body. you put yourself in someone’s hands—literally—and let them use you. and there’s something incredibly subversive about that.* and that’s the way, uh huh uh huh, i like it, uh huh uh huh.
haven’t sprung this particular move on jesus yet, but i will soon. and you know what—i haven’t had a guy yet who hasn’t loved it. he will too.
* note that though i believe sex and politics are closely intertwined i do not believe that sex is a substitute for politics. please vote with your head, not with your pussy.
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