where to start? a slut gets going.

post-breakup i moved to a new city, pulling what an ex-alcoholic friend of mine calls "a geographic"--trying to run away from my problems. i'm so fine with that. but now i'm in a brand new place that i picked specifically because i don't know anyone & don't have to rehash the story of the breakup. that part of it is a huge relief, but i am also cut off from my previously reliable sources of hot, willing, young flesh. ouch.

so what's a girl to do when she needs to get laid in a new city? the answer, as you must expect, is the online.

i placed the same ad in three online sources, all within a day or so of each other: adultfriendfinder.com, my local craigslist casual encounters section, and myspace. i posted a longish ad, along with a photo that was characterized by respondents variously as "incredibly sexy," "alluring," and "HOTT!!" there were some startling similarities, and some striking differences. here they are, along with some deep thoughts about online dating.

i think obviously women's experiences on online dating things are really skewed, and that men just don't understand the deal. so here are my stats for each site:

AFF: 317 replies (2 weeks); wrote back to 8; met up with 2
respondent demographic: lots of older guys. tons of cock shots. a high percentage of good-looking men (i got exactly one reply from a real single woman--not a woman as part of a couple--so my comments will be restricted to men.) seemed like a fair number of educated, professional people. a good number of married cheaters, who i took a great deal of pleasure in snarking back at then blocking. a fair number of pissed off people. (i took the time & trouble to send people a reply when i thought there wasn't a good match; while i had a few people thank me for the note i had more be all pissy and bitchy. these were also some of the scarier individuals, so it was good to see that my freak radar still works.) more black people than on any other site.

CL CE: 180 replies (8 days); wrote back to 4; met up with 1
respondent demographic: younger, more edgy, and more likely to be unemployed than the AFF crowd. more my typical dating pool, what with all the tattoos, piercings, and shaved heads. but also regrettably more inclined to use emoticons and irritating internet abbreviations. a fair number of nice seeming guys. i would say best bang for my buck. except it was free! ha.

myspace: 131 replies (2 weeks); wrote back to 2; met up with 0
respondent demographic: illiterate, inarticulate morons. where are all my cool friends who use MS? why didn't any of them write to me? how did i get stuck with the nascar, harley, and football freaks who use those annoying fucking layouts? fellas--here's a hint. if any of your funny girl friends send those sparkly messages that say things like "happy easter!" and "TGIF!!" and "missing you!!!" it's not because they like you. it's because it makes you look like such a pussy that you will never ever get laid by any woman who views your profile. guaranteed. to say MS was a colossal waste of time would be too kind.

from the specific to the general. some generic thoughts on ads and interactions:

• i am really irritated by the use of "cum" as a substitute for any iteration of the word "come." give me a freaking break people. what are we, in fourth fucking grade? if that's the extent of your sexual imagination you are in such deep shit that no personal ad in the world is going to save your pathetic sorry ass. just cum on and give up now.
• if you are a man who uses lucinda cursive as your base font, you are no longer "a metrosexual." you are gay. once you admit that it's onto the rainbow store for your no-taste-having self.
• "clever" sayings like "firemen can take the heat" never got anyone laid. ever. sorry.
• any picture of yourself involving oversized animal slippers is not going to get you laid. sorry.
• when emailing photos of yourself, do everyone a favor and change titles like "sexymanpose."
• it is recommended that one not take nude photographs of oneself immediately after a dip in the ocean, even if one believes that such photos display one's "joie de vivre." honey--it's not your joie de vivre that i'm checking out in all its shriveled, wizened glory. stand closer to the fire and give it a stroke.
• don't talk about how much you like to give backrubs. you should age out of this "move" after you are, oh, say, about 19. what the fuck, people?!!? a fucking backrub? that makes me wanna puke. in fact, i would rather hear that you want to fuck my face until i puke.
• the number of men claiming to have "above average" cocks is ridiculous. clearly these men don't understand statistics. it got to the point where i wanted to write to some of the guys who said they were average just because they said they were average and not completely self-aggrandizing.
  
• men love their cocks. i should realize this after 15 years of fucking guys, but after looking at literally hundreds of cock shots it is hitting me all over again. hey men--listen up. your genitals are, in almost every single case, your least attractive feature. for the love of god stop showcasing it so prominently (or not, as the case may be). you might as well talk about your infected toenail or your ass hair or your recurrent jock itch problem. there's a reason most women close their eyes when they're sucking cock. i mean--in looking at these pictures i've seen some ugly, fucked up looking cocks. gnarly, ropy, veiney, nasty shit. and not the slightest bit of self-consciousness. i mean, hey--i want everyone to love their bodies and be comfortable in their skin and shit, but let's hold off on that scary crap til i'm willing to overlook it cause i like you as a person. damn.
  

so what happened? first guy i met (off AFF) was a winner. and i mean for real. incredibly good-looking, super hot body (way too skinny & bony for my taste in general, but ripped like a muthafuck), funny, smart, etc. we met up for a drink, went for dinner, had another drink, made out in a darkened doorway, came back to my place, played some cribbage, and fucked our brains out.

so in a soon-to-come installment of the SIU diaries, what happens when a slut gets smitten?