a slut gets smitten

so a few weeks ago i posted some personal ads, described below, looking to hook up. for a girl who really likes to get laid it's been a long dry spell for me. here's the backstory:

my partner & i ended things seven months ago, and we had pretty much stopped having sex about seven months before that. (i think the last time we had sex was fourth of july weekend before finally calling it quits in october.) things had gotten really stressful around sex--full of anxiety and conflict and anger--and neither of us wanted to do it very much. it was really quite awful. after we split up i hooked up with a friend several times, but that was fairly unsatisfying. i'm not his physical type (young, dumb, skinny, long hair, big tits), and while i think we both enjoyed some of the physical aspects it was not exactly great for my sexual healing. thus ... the ads.

okay. jesus was the first person i met up with through any of my ads. he found me through AFF; i had originally bypassed his ad cause i didn't like his screen name and it contained a cock shot. (at first i was gonna be all high standards and shit and not reply to any ads with cock shots. i quickly realized that was not going to be feasible.) when i finally checked out his profile it rocked. he sounded great--funny, smart, interesting, confident, etc. plus he lives close by, which is a huge bonus. i loooooove the afternooner so having someone available for that was a total point in his favor. anyway, we made a date for sunday evening at 6, and i was ready to go. i was firmly convinced that i would not fuck anyone that night, but i figured i might bring him back for a hot makeout sess, so cleaned the apartment, washed my sheets, & got the trim trimmed.

we met up and man was he cute. actually, he is really beautiful. way too skinny for my taste (5'10" and all of about 135 lbs, but ripped like a motherfuck, which is a huge turn on. in my arms he feels like a little easter chick, all delicate bones and supple skin, except that he does martial arts and could kill me with his bare hands. hot stuff!), but just a beautiful face and astonishingly lovely eyes. he makes me feel all melty inside.

anyway, we had two drinks and some good funny conversation. it's a little weird to meet through an explicitly sexual site--apparently it sort of makes people feel like they should only talk about sex. since i don't fuck people i don't actually like and i think it's no big deal to fuck someone (meaning: for me it's not fraught with all kinds of emotional baggage and ridiculous game-playing drama) i would much prefer to just have a fun chat and see if i'm interested enough to want to keep going. so we did that--all fun & games. we decided to get some dinner and went to a great little cafe that i've been wanting to try. he clearly knew food & wine, and was a total gentleman. now, i actually hate traditional gender roles and refuse to do things like let men pay for shit just cause they have a penis. i hate that bullshit and the inequality i believe it perpetuates. however i do appreciate and value courtsey, civility, and respect. and when jesus insisted on paying for everything i felt like it wasn't a man thing but a courtsey thing. so it was okay. at one point over dinner as we are laughing and bantering he just looked at me and said something like "anytime you want to give me the ravish command i'm there."

[N.B.: why did this get me wet? 1. said in a totally normal, conversational tone. just indicating that hey--he's totally ready and willing, indicating definite interest while still letting me make the first physical move. 2. said in a non-threatening, non-pressure environment. we're in the middle of dinner; it's not like we're standing outside my front door or anything. plenty of time to process that.]

so what did i do? after dinner we were talking about going back to my place for some pinochle since we were both freaked out & delighted to find we both play. as we discovered that he said "no! you weren't supposed to be so cool! i wasn't supposed to like you this much!" then he told me to "stop being so foxy" for about the fifth time. i pulled him into the darkened doorway of a little shop and made the move. nice hot making out ensued, and we were definitely on to go back to my place for more than a little pinochle. (though i will point out that we did play for almost an hour before getting down to business. i popped open a bottle of wine and we did some dealing before we both gave in.)

the sex was hot. he definitely has the largest overall cock i've ever experienced. i've probably fucked one other guy as large around, but no one close to this long. and after so long without sex i was a little startled. damn. but i like to get fucked really hard, and i get off on a certain amount of pain, and once we got things working it was really okay. plus he held me down by the arms while he fucked me really hard so i was just in heaven. then we both pretty much passed out til the next morning, when we fucked twice more. afterward i felt like a samurai who committed seppuku then had to stuff all my internal organs back inside myself. and i couldn't ride my bike for a couple of days too.

over the next couple of days we exchanged a few emails, in which i said that i really liked him and the sex, and he confessed that he also really enjoyed spending time together. since then we've had a bunch of dates and a fair amount of sex. it's quite nice. i think one of the things i like most about him is the way i feel with him. it's sort of like being a kid again. we make out in doorways and hallway closets and elevators, we put up the arm and cuddle in the movie theater, we lean in close to talk and whisper and give little brushing kisses. i have to restrain myself from licking him regularly. (and occasionally i give in and do lick him--i'll write up the little story about giving him a hummer at work...)

so i totally admit (to everyone except him) that i'm completely smitten. but why, and what does that mean? am i just all emotionally vulnerable, falling for the first person who makes me feel good sexually in a long time? am i just needy--needing to be cared for & take care of someone to show myself that i'm not a totally defective girlfriend? do i want a totally casual fling? some danny zuko summer lovin? am i thinking long-term?

even more pressing is the issue of whether to see other people. over the last few days i had two dates with other people from the ads. i told them i had just started seeing someone great, but figured i would test my affections for jesus by meeting some other folks. the first one was a dud (a sweet guy, but totally not my taste), while the second one was a lot of fun. so--what is a smitten slut to do? do i want to see other people? do i tell jesus i'm meeting up with this guy? what if i want to fuck him? what would be the right thing for a slut to do--give jesus the right of first refusal over my time? just go ahead & meet up with the athlete without telling him? i mean--i have to assume jesus is seeing other people (even though i don't think that he is) and i'm fine with that, even though i would enjoy some more of his time. but if he's into me too, how do we move from the context of a "let's meet for sex" thing to something perhaps more relationship (even short-term) oriented? i'm confused! this wasn't supposed to happen! but hey--shit happens. and smit happens too.