stumbling blocks on the way to slutting it up.

I posted this to a local listserv; it amused me so I figured I would repost here. Why not? It's my damn writing and I can cannibalize as I please!

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Okay. This has been annoying me all week, and I'm finally too irritated and frustrated not to post something. I'm sure I'll get a load of snarky comments, but you know what? Piss off. I'm tired of being nice.

The story so far: I'm trying to get laid. I mean really trying. I've been on nine (9) dates in the last two weeks. So clearly I don't have any problem meeting people. Quite the opposite. As I've mentioned before I'm hot stuff. Good-looking, smart, sexy, all that. And I would bet that whether or not we had more contact, every one of those guys went away having enjoyed himself and passed a pleasant couple of hours. I'm not saying I'm everyone's cup of tea, but I am good company and decent eye-candy. So what's the problem? There are several.

1. Nice guys who know about stuff I like to talk about (books, movies, design, urbanism, politics, etc.) are too dorky, too introverted, too shy, too fat, or have too many feelings. They want the LTR, they want to fall in love, they want to make love. They don't want to fuck--long, hard, and kinky--which is what I want. I mean, hey. I'll nurture your artistic vision. I'll be your muse. I'll help you pick out a gift for your mom. I'll even buy you flowers and take you out to dinner. All that bullshit. But in return, about three times a day I want you to shut up and nail me. Is that too much to ask? Apparently so. You'd rather have feelings than a BJ.

2. Hot guys who are willing to nail me can't string two words together. I "peak their interest"; they "like my add"; they tell me they are looking for a woman "that knows what she wants." They send pictures of their penises; they tell me to "cum right over"; they invite me to "hit them up." While I don't require partners to have a PhD to get off, a little pleasant pillow-talk adds to my enjoyment of a sexual encounter. Frankly, I've fucked more than my share of beautiful bodies and honey, you need more than that to get in my pants.

3. Then there are the men who think that because I've put myself out as looking for sex that I can be treated without the respect or dignity to which any human being is entitled. So: emails asking, "How much for a night with you?" Conversational openers like, "When are we going to have sex?" Guys who get grabby or forward without permission. You know what? Just 'cause I'm looking for sex doesn't mean I want it from you. I've had bigger, better, hotter, smarter, funnier, and sexier than you, so don't flatter yourself that I'll abandon my standards for the likes of you.

4. Most of you would be terrified if you actually did get me into bed. I'm not some wide-eyed little girl who thinks your half-assed fumbling around in what you think of as the general direction of my clit is the second coming. I can fuck you all night long, cook you breakfast in the morning, and fuck you again afterward. And when your dick goes limp I'll still be asking for more. And instead of going to work with your hands or your mouth you'll get all scared and start to have feelings: inadequacy, anxiety, and other assorted forms of male bullshit. Those inspire some feelings in me: contempt, boredom, and irritation.

5. And just because I HAVE to mention it (since this SUPER pissed me off!!! This is the only rant directed at a single, identifiable individual rather than a generalized venting.): what the fuck is up with dishonesty? I'm not expecting every date to be magic, every person to be the perfect one. If I did, I wouldn't have you lined up like planes landing at LAX. This is just a chance to check each other out. And I've been forthright & honest with people who I didn't want to date or see again. It's possible to be honest without being mean or making someone feel bad. So if you say you want to go to dinner again, and I cancel my plans to go see Architecture in Helsinki, and then you stand me up, what am I supposed to think except that you're an asshole? Let's just be courteous & civil, okay? Let's at least agree on that.

Yes, I'm pissed off. Yes, some of those dates were pleasant. Yes, I'm annoyed and over-generalizing. But I don't want to hear your complaints, or your defensive responses. I'm not going to acknowledge your one-liners (or your long, rambling, badly spelled emails) telling me what a bitch I am. In fact, I might just find creative uses for those email addresses. So don't give me shit. I've had quite enough in the last few weeks.

men are funny. or, the perils of getting what you ask for.

so i've dated a fair amount in my life. lots of different kinds of men (chicks too, but that's another post...)--professional, blue collar, older than me, younger than me, sexually adventurous & experienced, not so sexually adventurous & experienced. and so on. and i find, again and again, that men rarely want what they think they want.

so here i am. i'm attractive in my way and have a super-excellent personality. people usually really like me. add to that that i'm openly bisexual, and will talk about sex with anyone at the drop of a hat. since i am in the business of sex (my paid employment involves a lot of work on health & sexuality; i'm not a pro or anything.) i've had male friends ask me stuff about women's bodies & health stuff (like how to find a g-spot, what is that thing that feels like a nose that hurts when it gets hit, is it dangerous to go down on a woman while she's got her period, etc. etc. etc.) so i've sort of got a rep among a pretty wide circle of people as someone who likes to get her freak on--a lot--and knows a lot about sex. all well and good, right? wrong!

myth about men #1: men always want a lot of sex.
men are not really sexually insatiable. in fact (and this observation is drawn not only from my experience but from several friends who have had similar experiences, both in casual & committed relationships), a lot of men are pretty damn freaked out by a woman with a high sex drive. and it's not just cause of the demands on their meat--in fact, i looooove hands and am often happier to get my goody from a guy getting on my g-spot than getting fucked. (though i do loooooove to get fucked.) suffice it to say, i've got a pretty broad & expansive notion of sexual play and it's not just about penile-vaginal penetration. yet when faced with a high level of polymorphous perverse sexuality, almost every man i've dated has become distinctly uncomfortable with the amount of sex i want. a few (the more sensitive ones) have even used the words "objectified" and "feeling used for sex" and "overwhelmed." and i mean--i take good care of people so it's not like i'm just about getting mine. far from it. but i've become fairly resigned to the fact that it's very unlikely that a single man will be able to fulfill my sexual needs. i've had three relationships i can think of where i got my fill of sex: one was with a woman, one with a man, and one with a married couple i dated for a year. (in case you're wondering how much is enough, i am generally a three times a day girl--i want sex sex morning & late afternoon, and some special treat, not necessarily intercourse, at bedtime. and a few more times on the weekends.)

myth about men #2: all men want to do threesomes.
so--let's say that you have a sweet, loving, sexy, bisexual girlfriend with lots of bisexual female friends. according to our conventional cultural assumptions about masculinity, we might assume that said sweet, loving, sexy, bisexual girlfriend would be inundated with requests from various male partners to do threesomes, especially if she has mentioned casually that she would not be averse to the idea if it would please said male partner. i've never had a single guy i dated ask me to do a threesome (the couple i dated don't count). not one. some of them get "feelings" (sex is the curse of the feeling class), some of them get anxious (over ability issues, i believe), and others get possessive (over my pussy, apparently). my theory is that lesbian sex becomes a lot harder to fetishize & fantasize over once one is confronted with the fact that women really can and do pleasure each other & don't exist solely for male pleasure. i honestly do think that men are deeply threatened by women's autonomous sexual desire. sure it's real 70s style theorizing, but that don't make it wrong.

myth about men #3: all men want multiple sexual partners.
taking off from #2, i think most men believe that an open relationship would be ideal. even if it's just open for them! i've also told male partners who had things for other women that they could pursue them. (not in a mean way, just a "hey honey, if you wanna hit that just be careful & safe & have fun.") again, the suggestion never taken up. those feelings happen again, and it's funny to see the stiff dicks wilt when they have the freedom to pursue other women. when it comes down to it i think men primarily want comfort in their sexual lives, and getting (or having!) to pursue other women is just so much work!

i don't mean these observations to cut on men. in fact, i think it's great that men refuse to conform to patriarchal and masculinist imperatives and instead show evidence of their humanity and ability to resemble full human beings.

all the same, sometimes i wouldn't mind a threesome.

ethical dilemmas in SIU: question #2

is deception ever justified?

so, let's say that one is a dirty fuckin whore who meets people via an online dating service specifically designed for hooking up. let's further say that one meets someone who one likes a lot, but because one has met this person via the aforementioned ODSSDFHU, and one is such a whore that one's profile has specifically rejected "dating" or "relationships," it's a little weird to shift gears and talk about whether one is going to "date." still with me?

so: my intellectual, rational, calm, normal side (which is like 98% of my brain) says "just talk to him. put it out there and if he says he is interested in spending more time together, fine. if not, no big deal." (and i'm not just rationalizing--i really wouldn't cry or anything. i wouldn't even care if he was fucking other people. but i wouldn't mind more phone calls and knowing it was okay to drop by & see him during the day & bring him flowers and stuff.) and that's what i would do 98% of the time. but clearly, "what feels right ain't been working for you dawg. you need to try some wrong."[1] so instead, i am trying to be sneaky.

now, i make no claims to be good at sneaky. i don't have a lot of practice. but anyway, i took out another ad, with a totally new profile, etc., (tho no photos) in the same place where i met jesus. i made a few significant changes, including the stated desire for a dating type relationship. just curious if he will write to the new me. and if he does--do i ask him if he's seeing anyone? how disgustingly sneaky do i get? even the thought of it creeps me out, but hey--it feels wrong, so i'm doin it.


1. said by jay to andy in "the 40 year old virgin," the best movie of 2005. "crash" (and "brokeback mountain," for that matter, can kiss my stank ass. "capote" was pretty good.)


UPDATE: i pulled the second ad after a few hours. just felt shitty about it. am feeling less and less crushed on jesus (though i still like him a lot as a person, but the initial glow is, thankfully, fading), so felt like this was unnecessarily psycho. did post a real new ad, with a photo he would recognize. felt like that was more upfront & honest.