anallize* this

* you should see the entry below (so to speak. insert moronic-sounding beavis & butthead laugh here.) for the origin of this delightfully appropriate misspelling.

here’s a sort of confession: i’ve never done anal. i’ve wanted to for a long time, but i used to have lots of troublesome health issues that didn’t particularly make me excited about the for-real thought of cramming something up my cramhole. by the time i managed to get those issues under control anal sex was the equivalent of a kate spade bag—every pathetic mediocre wanna be was on the bandwagon. booooooring.

but though i have managed to hang on to my own secondary cherry i’ve fucked a lot of guys in the ass. in fact, i was once quoted (on a day when i was completely wasted by 10am) as saying that “analingus is the cure for the patriarchy.” why? i’ll tell you why. and i’ll tell you how.

first the how. i usually start off with a fabulous blowjob. i already give great BJs (and i have to say that from feedback i’ve gotten, i think i give really great BJs on a regular day), but when i decide i want to take some guy’s ass down i try to make it a super excellent BJ. after 10 or 15 minutes of excruciatingly excellent oral lovin involving extensive attention to the balls & beneath, boys are usually weak and helpless beneath my tongue. once they are sufficiently incapacitated with pleasure, it’s easy to slide lower & lower, til they slowly start admitting to themselves that it feels pretty good. there’s often an uncomfortable psychic moment for guys here, but a few extra strokes on the shaft (“look honey—you’re still a real man with a great big hard penis!”) takes care of those fears. that accomplished, i usually like to turn them on their hip to really get going. there’s sometimes another moment here, which is why you can’t stop the strokin. once they’re over that second hump, it’s generally pretty easy to finish the rollover, get them on their knees, and stick my tongue in their ass while giving the reacharound. personally i love to keep going and actually get my hands dirty, but i actually prefer to do that later, incorporated into a regular BJ. there’s nothing quite as delightful as giving a guy his first prostate orgasm. i’ve had guys (and i fuck big, manly men. blue collar, working class, beer-drinking athletes who can install wiring, build cabinetry, and sweat pipe and shit.) beg me to fuck them in the ass and scream and pass out and stuff. it’s quite rewarding. plus they really like to cuddle afterward.

but why? and how will analingus overthrow male power? cause getting their asshole licked makes boys feel all squirmy and soft and weak inside. basically, it makes them feel like girls. and once you like getting something licked you want to put other things in there. and once boys start taking it in the ass they can’t claim the kind of male privilege that comes with having an impermeable, impenetrable body. you put yourself in someone’s hands—literally—and let them use you. and there’s something incredibly subversive about that.* and that’s the way, uh huh uh huh, i like it, uh huh uh huh.

haven’t sprung this particular move on jesus yet, but i will soon. and you know what—i haven’t had a guy yet who hasn’t loved it. he will too.


* note that though i believe sex and politics are closely intertwined i do not believe that sex is a substitute for politics. please vote with your head, not with your pussy.

SIU random diatribe #1: why i hate porn

so here's my deal with porn: i have old-school, pretty radical feminist politics. i like porn and watch porn, and while i don't feel guilty about it i do feel like it's incumbent on watchers to sit back every once in a while and figure out what exactly is getting them off and why. i think there is a lot of deception, exploitation, and violence in various adult industries, and i try to be a thoughtful, aware consumer. i tend to like amateur &/or homemade stuff, because i think the women are often more attractive (less skinny, fewer implants, shorter fingernails) and the sex is hotter cause they are having some fun. but mainstream porn, both video and online, has been really pissing me off for a long time.

i wish that we as a society would just say out loud, "you know, we're really threatened by women's halting but real progress toward social and economic equality. all that stuff about women earning the same as men and having educational opportunities and access to things like contraception and abortion makes it really seem like women could be independent, equal human beings, recognized as individuals worthy of respect and dignity. and that's sort of scary.

so how about if every porn flick made for the last five years has women getting relentlessly and roughly fucked up the ass, preferably by a few different guys and if possible at the same time, then make her suck her own ass juice off the various cocks that have just been inside her. let's be sure that porn never shows, values, or makes even the slightest gesture (so to speak) toward women's sexual pleasure or fulfillment, except as another way to show men's power over women's bodies. let's focus on pure, unadulterated humiliation, like having a woman perform oral sex on a man for pretty much the sole purpose of making her puke and cry on camera. let's be sure to make women feel degraded and dirty for being sexual by kicking them to the curb, literally and figuratively, after we're done fucking them.

let's be sure that men expect and that women believe that you can't have sex unless the woman looks like a pre-pubescent child, with every scrap of pubic hair removed, asshole waxed and bleached, and bones poking out everywhere--except that she's also gotta have impossibly large breasts that are completely out of proportion to her figure and likely to give her back problems for the rest of her life. and best of all--let's make pornification such a prevalent and acceptable part of everyday life that women believe their worth in the world is wrapped up in showing their tits, taking on a gang bang, doing shit they don't like with men who have the sexual finesse and skill of a goat, and generally making their sexual freedom and desire subservient to men.

yeah. we're starting to feel less worried about that whole 'women's equality' thing now. what a relief."

a slut gets smitten

so a few weeks ago i posted some personal ads, described below, looking to hook up. for a girl who really likes to get laid it's been a long dry spell for me. here's the backstory:

my partner & i ended things seven months ago, and we had pretty much stopped having sex about seven months before that. (i think the last time we had sex was fourth of july weekend before finally calling it quits in october.) things had gotten really stressful around sex--full of anxiety and conflict and anger--and neither of us wanted to do it very much. it was really quite awful. after we split up i hooked up with a friend several times, but that was fairly unsatisfying. i'm not his physical type (young, dumb, skinny, long hair, big tits), and while i think we both enjoyed some of the physical aspects it was not exactly great for my sexual healing. thus ... the ads.

okay. jesus was the first person i met up with through any of my ads. he found me through AFF; i had originally bypassed his ad cause i didn't like his screen name and it contained a cock shot. (at first i was gonna be all high standards and shit and not reply to any ads with cock shots. i quickly realized that was not going to be feasible.) when i finally checked out his profile it rocked. he sounded great--funny, smart, interesting, confident, etc. plus he lives close by, which is a huge bonus. i loooooove the afternooner so having someone available for that was a total point in his favor. anyway, we made a date for sunday evening at 6, and i was ready to go. i was firmly convinced that i would not fuck anyone that night, but i figured i might bring him back for a hot makeout sess, so cleaned the apartment, washed my sheets, & got the trim trimmed.

we met up and man was he cute. actually, he is really beautiful. way too skinny for my taste (5'10" and all of about 135 lbs, but ripped like a motherfuck, which is a huge turn on. in my arms he feels like a little easter chick, all delicate bones and supple skin, except that he does martial arts and could kill me with his bare hands. hot stuff!), but just a beautiful face and astonishingly lovely eyes. he makes me feel all melty inside.

anyway, we had two drinks and some good funny conversation. it's a little weird to meet through an explicitly sexual site--apparently it sort of makes people feel like they should only talk about sex. since i don't fuck people i don't actually like and i think it's no big deal to fuck someone (meaning: for me it's not fraught with all kinds of emotional baggage and ridiculous game-playing drama) i would much prefer to just have a fun chat and see if i'm interested enough to want to keep going. so we did that--all fun & games. we decided to get some dinner and went to a great little cafe that i've been wanting to try. he clearly knew food & wine, and was a total gentleman. now, i actually hate traditional gender roles and refuse to do things like let men pay for shit just cause they have a penis. i hate that bullshit and the inequality i believe it perpetuates. however i do appreciate and value courtsey, civility, and respect. and when jesus insisted on paying for everything i felt like it wasn't a man thing but a courtsey thing. so it was okay. at one point over dinner as we are laughing and bantering he just looked at me and said something like "anytime you want to give me the ravish command i'm there."

[N.B.: why did this get me wet? 1. said in a totally normal, conversational tone. just indicating that hey--he's totally ready and willing, indicating definite interest while still letting me make the first physical move. 2. said in a non-threatening, non-pressure environment. we're in the middle of dinner; it's not like we're standing outside my front door or anything. plenty of time to process that.]

so what did i do? after dinner we were talking about going back to my place for some pinochle since we were both freaked out & delighted to find we both play. as we discovered that he said "no! you weren't supposed to be so cool! i wasn't supposed to like you this much!" then he told me to "stop being so foxy" for about the fifth time. i pulled him into the darkened doorway of a little shop and made the move. nice hot making out ensued, and we were definitely on to go back to my place for more than a little pinochle. (though i will point out that we did play for almost an hour before getting down to business. i popped open a bottle of wine and we did some dealing before we both gave in.)

the sex was hot. he definitely has the largest overall cock i've ever experienced. i've probably fucked one other guy as large around, but no one close to this long. and after so long without sex i was a little startled. damn. but i like to get fucked really hard, and i get off on a certain amount of pain, and once we got things working it was really okay. plus he held me down by the arms while he fucked me really hard so i was just in heaven. then we both pretty much passed out til the next morning, when we fucked twice more. afterward i felt like a samurai who committed seppuku then had to stuff all my internal organs back inside myself. and i couldn't ride my bike for a couple of days too.

over the next couple of days we exchanged a few emails, in which i said that i really liked him and the sex, and he confessed that he also really enjoyed spending time together. since then we've had a bunch of dates and a fair amount of sex. it's quite nice. i think one of the things i like most about him is the way i feel with him. it's sort of like being a kid again. we make out in doorways and hallway closets and elevators, we put up the arm and cuddle in the movie theater, we lean in close to talk and whisper and give little brushing kisses. i have to restrain myself from licking him regularly. (and occasionally i give in and do lick him--i'll write up the little story about giving him a hummer at work...)

so i totally admit (to everyone except him) that i'm completely smitten. but why, and what does that mean? am i just all emotionally vulnerable, falling for the first person who makes me feel good sexually in a long time? am i just needy--needing to be cared for & take care of someone to show myself that i'm not a totally defective girlfriend? do i want a totally casual fling? some danny zuko summer lovin? am i thinking long-term?

even more pressing is the issue of whether to see other people. over the last few days i had two dates with other people from the ads. i told them i had just started seeing someone great, but figured i would test my affections for jesus by meeting some other folks. the first one was a dud (a sweet guy, but totally not my taste), while the second one was a lot of fun. so--what is a smitten slut to do? do i want to see other people? do i tell jesus i'm meeting up with this guy? what if i want to fuck him? what would be the right thing for a slut to do--give jesus the right of first refusal over my time? just go ahead & meet up with the athlete without telling him? i mean--i have to assume jesus is seeing other people (even though i don't think that he is) and i'm fine with that, even though i would enjoy some more of his time. but if he's into me too, how do we move from the context of a "let's meet for sex" thing to something perhaps more relationship (even short-term) oriented? i'm confused! this wasn't supposed to happen! but hey--shit happens. and smit happens too.

ethical dilemmas in SIU: question #1

question: can, and should, one SIU with someone who, when given the opportunity to single out favorite musicians, provides a list that includes Sting, Led Zepplin, Elton John, The Killers, and Madonna?

i mean--he's pretty good-looking, smart, fun, and has a really hot body. but man is that a dick-shriveling list. and he asserts firmly, convincingly, and without homophobia, that he is not gay. i pretty much believe him. he reminds me a lot of someone i dated a few years ago who had a similarly fey quality but gave the best head i've ever had. and there's nothing less homosexual than giving a girl head.

still, when i saw the list all i could think of was an occasionally funny series that nerve.com does about "sex advice from... [insert various professions here]." there was one about record store clerks, who were asked whether they would fuck a chick who loved sting. their answers were pretty priceless. the original seems to have disappeared, but you can read the content here.

but seriously--at what point do non-sexual personal qualities become an obstacle to getting it on? i'm pretty sure i've never fucked a registered republican, or a practicing religous person, or someone who opposed abortion rights. and i probably wouldn't, just cause i would probably screen those people out during casual conversation. but is bad taste in music a legitimate reason to booty block?

i've cautiously decided it doesn't prevent him from getting to stage 2: a second date & hot make-out sess. whether he moves on to more than than depends in large part of whether his arms are better in person than they look in the photos. now that definitely matters...

that's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.

some of my favorite replies to my various ads. spelling, grammar, and punctuation are reproduced exactly as received. and in case you're wondering, these all went into the "rejects" folder...


I enjoy that you are just simple

no clowns (btw, there was no context for this--it was simply the last line of the email, separated with a paragraph break)

I believe that when two people have sex, whether its man & women or woman & woman, etc. that for it to be a time that is off the charts, the two become one during that time.

I'd love to be your personal thighmaster.

Your photo not only shows that you are beautiful it shows that you can dress in sexy confident cloths

hey i am interestsed

i dient read your add, just posting to see if you are a ad or not.

i really want a naughty encounter with lots of kissing.send a pic of you and i will be able to tell if we are a match.and send your date of birth and the year you were born i could do numerology and see if we are a match.

you and me both its been a while for me and i am going nuts (accompanied by extremely large photo of an extremely insane looking man)

I would love to get to know you. So few know the art of kamasutra - the ancient Indian art of sensual love making. I would be happy to share that with you.

i wont sex that is it

I don't want to anallize you or judge you. ... I am good looking, I know that you are not that proticulare, but it is always better to like to look at the person that you will be letting into you most privite places.

Oral, whipped cream and costumes are great ways to spend your time. One of my favorite things to indulge in is giving each other oil massages to soft music and candlelight.

where to start? a slut gets going.

post-breakup i moved to a new city, pulling what an ex-alcoholic friend of mine calls "a geographic"--trying to run away from my problems. i'm so fine with that. but now i'm in a brand new place that i picked specifically because i don't know anyone & don't have to rehash the story of the breakup. that part of it is a huge relief, but i am also cut off from my previously reliable sources of hot, willing, young flesh. ouch.

so what's a girl to do when she needs to get laid in a new city? the answer, as you must expect, is the online.

i placed the same ad in three online sources, all within a day or so of each other: adultfriendfinder.com, my local craigslist casual encounters section, and myspace. i posted a longish ad, along with a photo that was characterized by respondents variously as "incredibly sexy," "alluring," and "HOTT!!" there were some startling similarities, and some striking differences. here they are, along with some deep thoughts about online dating.

i think obviously women's experiences on online dating things are really skewed, and that men just don't understand the deal. so here are my stats for each site:

AFF: 317 replies (2 weeks); wrote back to 8; met up with 2
respondent demographic: lots of older guys. tons of cock shots. a high percentage of good-looking men (i got exactly one reply from a real single woman--not a woman as part of a couple--so my comments will be restricted to men.) seemed like a fair number of educated, professional people. a good number of married cheaters, who i took a great deal of pleasure in snarking back at then blocking. a fair number of pissed off people. (i took the time & trouble to send people a reply when i thought there wasn't a good match; while i had a few people thank me for the note i had more be all pissy and bitchy. these were also some of the scarier individuals, so it was good to see that my freak radar still works.) more black people than on any other site.

CL CE: 180 replies (8 days); wrote back to 4; met up with 1
respondent demographic: younger, more edgy, and more likely to be unemployed than the AFF crowd. more my typical dating pool, what with all the tattoos, piercings, and shaved heads. but also regrettably more inclined to use emoticons and irritating internet abbreviations. a fair number of nice seeming guys. i would say best bang for my buck. except it was free! ha.

myspace: 131 replies (2 weeks); wrote back to 2; met up with 0
respondent demographic: illiterate, inarticulate morons. where are all my cool friends who use MS? why didn't any of them write to me? how did i get stuck with the nascar, harley, and football freaks who use those annoying fucking layouts? fellas--here's a hint. if any of your funny girl friends send those sparkly messages that say things like "happy easter!" and "TGIF!!" and "missing you!!!" it's not because they like you. it's because it makes you look like such a pussy that you will never ever get laid by any woman who views your profile. guaranteed. to say MS was a colossal waste of time would be too kind.

from the specific to the general. some generic thoughts on ads and interactions:

• i am really irritated by the use of "cum" as a substitute for any iteration of the word "come." give me a freaking break people. what are we, in fourth fucking grade? if that's the extent of your sexual imagination you are in such deep shit that no personal ad in the world is going to save your pathetic sorry ass. just cum on and give up now.
• if you are a man who uses lucinda cursive as your base font, you are no longer "a metrosexual." you are gay. once you admit that it's onto the rainbow store for your no-taste-having self.
• "clever" sayings like "firemen can take the heat" never got anyone laid. ever. sorry.
• any picture of yourself involving oversized animal slippers is not going to get you laid. sorry.
• when emailing photos of yourself, do everyone a favor and change titles like "sexymanpose."
• it is recommended that one not take nude photographs of oneself immediately after a dip in the ocean, even if one believes that such photos display one's "joie de vivre." honey--it's not your joie de vivre that i'm checking out in all its shriveled, wizened glory. stand closer to the fire and give it a stroke.
• don't talk about how much you like to give backrubs. you should age out of this "move" after you are, oh, say, about 19. what the fuck, people?!!? a fucking backrub? that makes me wanna puke. in fact, i would rather hear that you want to fuck my face until i puke.
• the number of men claiming to have "above average" cocks is ridiculous. clearly these men don't understand statistics. it got to the point where i wanted to write to some of the guys who said they were average just because they said they were average and not completely self-aggrandizing.
  
• men love their cocks. i should realize this after 15 years of fucking guys, but after looking at literally hundreds of cock shots it is hitting me all over again. hey men--listen up. your genitals are, in almost every single case, your least attractive feature. for the love of god stop showcasing it so prominently (or not, as the case may be). you might as well talk about your infected toenail or your ass hair or your recurrent jock itch problem. there's a reason most women close their eyes when they're sucking cock. i mean--in looking at these pictures i've seen some ugly, fucked up looking cocks. gnarly, ropy, veiney, nasty shit. and not the slightest bit of self-consciousness. i mean, hey--i want everyone to love their bodies and be comfortable in their skin and shit, but let's hold off on that scary crap til i'm willing to overlook it cause i like you as a person. damn.
  

so what happened? first guy i met (off AFF) was a winner. and i mean for real. incredibly good-looking, super hot body (way too skinny & bony for my taste in general, but ripped like a muthafuck), funny, smart, etc. we met up for a drink, went for dinner, had another drink, made out in a darkened doorway, came back to my place, played some cribbage, and fucked our brains out.

so in a soon-to-come installment of the SIU diaries, what happens when a slut gets smitten?

here we go.

this blog was inspired by a friend who has, i think, potentially questionable reasons for wanting to know more about my sex life (anemic as it is). so what the hell. i've wanted to do something anonymous for a while now--not sex, i mean blogging--so what the hell.

last year i got out of a long-term committed relationship that got really sad & fucked up. i'm not blaming my partner--sometimes life gives you such a raw deal that you're allowed to be pretty fucked up. but the rebound has been hard; harder than any breakup except my first lover. so i'm hurting. i'm also incredibly horny. i have a really strong sex drive as it is--i'm usually a 2.5-3 times a day girl. this has pretty much been the longest dry spell in my sex life since i was about 23 and decided i was totally a lesbian. not getting laid for a year convinced me that i wasn't.

so here i am--sharing some thoughts and experiences as i (attempt to) slut it up. stay tuned.