laughing while stumbling

so after posting the previous diatribe to the local craigslist i received more than 60 responses, including a bunch that were posted to the w4m board, all of which were promptly flagged and removed. fine, fine, fine. clearly i should have posted in rants & raves, though there is certainly a double-standard about men flagging inappropriate posts more often than women do on the m4w board. but anyway, despite the fact that this all played out over about 4 hours in the middle of the night, i thought i would summarize and re-present the responses, cause i think they actually say a lot.

Positive responses
Offers for sex	13
Asking me out	12
Non-specific positive response	20
Older men telling me they are great	3
Total	48
Negative responses
Assumed I am fat	1
Accused me of being stuck-up	1
Accused of being angry at men	2
Non-specific negative	4
Total	8

Recommendations that I pursue a path of personal growth 5
(my personal favorite category)
Recommendations that I investigate tantra: 3

so some of the responses were pretty priceless. some of the best ones were posted to the board itself, which i unfortunately did not copy or save. so sad...! but there was a ton of email. i share a few below. with, of course, my oh-so-delightful commentary.

1. Messages of hope
i especially loved the "expressions of concern" from readers. these gentlemen clearly felt a need to provide a corrective perspective that often included a "message of hope" for me. now--okay. in real life i would be very gracious about these, and convey my thanks for their concern. but the nice thing about this blog is that i get to be a complete fucking bitch. i don't have to play nice. so here's what i for real think of these comments.

this gentleman, despite an absolute lack of a sex (or otherwise emotionally engaged) life, feels well-situated to provide me with insight about what i "really" want and need:
I can tell you this ... you're putting all of your energies into the wrong places. Happiness isn't found by the way you're going about it.Of course, I know you know that ... but, I don't think it probably matters to you.I don't think "happy" is what/how you want to be right now. Sex doesn't make things better for you ... it just makes them worse.I've had sex with only one woman in the past ten years (over a two month period) ... and I'm pretty happy I just know that you seem pretty self-destructive ... for whatever reason. I'm not a moralist or religious or a prude or a preacher ... and I barely have a life so I can't give advise. I can tell you this tho ... it's not about what you take or get but, about what you give (& I'm not talkin' about sex). ... I don't know ... maybe I have it all wrong ... maybe all you want/need is to fuck. Somehow, I don't think that's the case tho ... altho, I think you try to make yourself & everyone else think it so.
i love how women who seek sex are inevitably marked as deluded, grasping, stupid, vapid, empty, etc. to be a woman and be sexual is--still, 40 years after the advent of second wave feminism--bizarre and disordered. so a man with no apparent life to speak of is going to lecture me about what i need to be happy. hubris, anyone? irony? irony, are you in the house?

also along the "let me help you out" lines is this gentleman. his helpful hints are so bizarre that i was actually a little freaked out:

Have you thought of looking into male escorts , I don't know if they exist here in Portland, but it would serve your purpose. I would imagine some are hot as you'd like and educated as any smart woman needs some good repartee before during and after sex. Also you might look online on places like [dudes looking to hook up with married women sex site] there are plenty of men who just want service women single or married, and they post pics of themselves...mostly rock hard and ready lol. [mind you, this is THIS GUY writing about the rock hard dicks. i mean--i have a total gay fetish, but this is creepy & weird.] And if you want to go black well there are a plethora of black men looking to hook up with a fiery white woman. [right--cause there's nothing i love more than treating black people like sexual fetishes. i'm sorry--am i the only one in the room who read franz fanon? plus i have actual black friends and like actual black individuals, and so don't really tend to reduce them to some bullshit racist fantasy of a huge cock. what fucking YEAR is this?!!?] You do seem a little angry and confrontive. ... Either way I would say Rebecca [he gave me a name to address me. also fucking weird.] you need to let go of the anger no one's short comings to lead you to be so angry. Obviously your a bright, educated woman, who is on the far side of attractive. Don't let an inconvience like not finding the right penis attached to the right man ruin a good day.

another kind man encouraging me to "let go of my anger." puke:
Kinda hard to follow that up with a good responce, so I'll just say hi and not all men are assholes,and let you know if you take a deep breath and smile you will feel alot better. Also I have had the same things happen to me so I know how you feel. I'll end this little note saying sorry that some of us men have to be such dickheads. Have a nice day and a better tommorrow and keep a smile on your face :-)

BTW, i fucking hate it when men tell me to "smile" and "have a beautiful day, beautiful." fuck you. how dare you tell me how the fuck to feel?!!? cocksucker.

2. Wherein does the problem lie? (or lay. i can never remember which one it is.)
Of course, I think the problem is that you've been going out with men that are just too immature, inexperienced, insecure..and..well, too damned young to appreciate you!
and who, dear readers, is mature enough to appreciate me? the man twenty years my senior!!! how silly of me not to have realized this. of course, yes, marriages with significant age differences certainly can work, i guess, but frankly i'd rather try my luck with an open transsexual lesbian threeway marriage. obviously gendered perceptions of desirable dating age is old news, but after having gone out with several men considerably (9-10 years) younger than me, i have to say that someone in their mid-20 is pretty unformed and for the most part not terribly interesting. i mean--there are definitely exceptions; one of the guys i met was one of those. i think i was too. but the other ones were still talking about college experiences and even high school as their defining social and intellectual context. i thank god for every day i get farther from 14, and this was no exception. but on the other hand, i'm really not interested in dating someone with waxy skin. when i hit my early 50s i'm sure i'll find waxy skin super hottt. but right now--no. sorry, old dude.

The problem isn't the guys you're meeting...the problem is you!!
at least this guy makes a valid point. i mean, hey--i went out with nine guys & didn't want to fuck any of them. he's right on the odds.

3. Solutions to my problem
this guy is the same one who wanted to be my thighmaster (see below).
Are you angry at men or what? After reading your post I have no doubt what so ever that I'd never have a chance with you, even if I had a beautiful body and was excellent at pillow talk. Hell, whenever I've gotten to know a Lady, the last thing I've ever wanted to do was get into her pants. I've always put more effort into becoming her friend. ... So if you ever want to talk or just want or need a guy to beat up on to relieve your stress and frustrations, let me know.
1. i'm not a lady, much less a Lady. in the early '80s, a bunch of crazy old political activists i know used to do feminist actions all dressed up in pearls & dresses. they would do mock counter-protests about women's rights under the banner "Ladies Against Women." i love them so much. 2. the fack that you don't want to get in my pants is pretty much the problem. i mean--clearly this dude has a particular fetish, and that's fine. but the point of the ad was that i don't really want to be your friend; i want to fuck your brains out. who missed that "subtext?"
2. you know what? i have plenty of friends. and if i were looking for an LTR than yes, friends would be important. but hey--i'm not! and if i were, i can assure you that you wouldn't make the cut, for friends or otherwise.

my favorite comment, mostly cause i loved the image & it isn't too far off from what i'd like:
it seems to me- no disrespect intended--your looking for a crew--a team that services a race car stopping for a pit stop.
well, yeah. that's pretty close to it. come over, service me, then leave. you got it. maybe i need to investigate a nascar-themed personal ad...

4. and on the apparent inseparability of sex and violence for men...

Man you are forward bordering on arrogant…..but if you want stimulation on all sides then I can provide you with such.
there were a few other posts like this. curious how being a bitch makes men 1. tell me i am a bitch, and 2. want to fuck me. it's seems like a relief that the rage can be properly directed at a woman who "deserves" it for being a cunt. the sad part is that i would probably have the best sex with those guys. if they didn't rape or kill me, that is.

so there was my hilarious and cathartic public bitch moment. perhaps next post: do i hate men?

stumbling blocks on the way to slutting it up.

I posted this to a local listserv; it amused me so I figured I would repost here. Why not? It's my damn writing and I can cannibalize as I please!

=====

Okay. This has been annoying me all week, and I'm finally too irritated and frustrated not to post something. I'm sure I'll get a load of snarky comments, but you know what? Piss off. I'm tired of being nice.

The story so far: I'm trying to get laid. I mean really trying. I've been on nine (9) dates in the last two weeks. So clearly I don't have any problem meeting people. Quite the opposite. As I've mentioned before I'm hot stuff. Good-looking, smart, sexy, all that. And I would bet that whether or not we had more contact, every one of those guys went away having enjoyed himself and passed a pleasant couple of hours. I'm not saying I'm everyone's cup of tea, but I am good company and decent eye-candy. So what's the problem? There are several.

1. Nice guys who know about stuff I like to talk about (books, movies, design, urbanism, politics, etc.) are too dorky, too introverted, too shy, too fat, or have too many feelings. They want the LTR, they want to fall in love, they want to make love. They don't want to fuck--long, hard, and kinky--which is what I want. I mean, hey. I'll nurture your artistic vision. I'll be your muse. I'll help you pick out a gift for your mom. I'll even buy you flowers and take you out to dinner. All that bullshit. But in return, about three times a day I want you to shut up and nail me. Is that too much to ask? Apparently so. You'd rather have feelings than a BJ.

2. Hot guys who are willing to nail me can't string two words together. I "peak their interest"; they "like my add"; they tell me they are looking for a woman "that knows what she wants." They send pictures of their penises; they tell me to "cum right over"; they invite me to "hit them up." While I don't require partners to have a PhD to get off, a little pleasant pillow-talk adds to my enjoyment of a sexual encounter. Frankly, I've fucked more than my share of beautiful bodies and honey, you need more than that to get in my pants.

3. Then there are the men who think that because I've put myself out as looking for sex that I can be treated without the respect or dignity to which any human being is entitled. So: emails asking, "How much for a night with you?" Conversational openers like, "When are we going to have sex?" Guys who get grabby or forward without permission. You know what? Just 'cause I'm looking for sex doesn't mean I want it from you. I've had bigger, better, hotter, smarter, funnier, and sexier than you, so don't flatter yourself that I'll abandon my standards for the likes of you.

4. Most of you would be terrified if you actually did get me into bed. I'm not some wide-eyed little girl who thinks your half-assed fumbling around in what you think of as the general direction of my clit is the second coming. I can fuck you all night long, cook you breakfast in the morning, and fuck you again afterward. And when your dick goes limp I'll still be asking for more. And instead of going to work with your hands or your mouth you'll get all scared and start to have feelings: inadequacy, anxiety, and other assorted forms of male bullshit. Those inspire some feelings in me: contempt, boredom, and irritation.

5. And just because I HAVE to mention it (since this SUPER pissed me off!!! This is the only rant directed at a single, identifiable individual rather than a generalized venting.): what the fuck is up with dishonesty? I'm not expecting every date to be magic, every person to be the perfect one. If I did, I wouldn't have you lined up like planes landing at LAX. This is just a chance to check each other out. And I've been forthright & honest with people who I didn't want to date or see again. It's possible to be honest without being mean or making someone feel bad. So if you say you want to go to dinner again, and I cancel my plans to go see Architecture in Helsinki, and then you stand me up, what am I supposed to think except that you're an asshole? Let's just be courteous & civil, okay? Let's at least agree on that.

Yes, I'm pissed off. Yes, some of those dates were pleasant. Yes, I'm annoyed and over-generalizing. But I don't want to hear your complaints, or your defensive responses. I'm not going to acknowledge your one-liners (or your long, rambling, badly spelled emails) telling me what a bitch I am. In fact, I might just find creative uses for those email addresses. So don't give me shit. I've had quite enough in the last few weeks.

men are funny. or, the perils of getting what you ask for.

so i've dated a fair amount in my life. lots of different kinds of men (chicks too, but that's another post...)--professional, blue collar, older than me, younger than me, sexually adventurous & experienced, not so sexually adventurous & experienced. and so on. and i find, again and again, that men rarely want what they think they want.

so here i am. i'm attractive in my way and have a super-excellent personality. people usually really like me. add to that that i'm openly bisexual, and will talk about sex with anyone at the drop of a hat. since i am in the business of sex (my paid employment involves a lot of work on health & sexuality; i'm not a pro or anything.) i've had male friends ask me stuff about women's bodies & health stuff (like how to find a g-spot, what is that thing that feels like a nose that hurts when it gets hit, is it dangerous to go down on a woman while she's got her period, etc. etc. etc.) so i've sort of got a rep among a pretty wide circle of people as someone who likes to get her freak on--a lot--and knows a lot about sex. all well and good, right? wrong!

myth about men #1: men always want a lot of sex.
men are not really sexually insatiable. in fact (and this observation is drawn not only from my experience but from several friends who have had similar experiences, both in casual & committed relationships), a lot of men are pretty damn freaked out by a woman with a high sex drive. and it's not just cause of the demands on their meat--in fact, i looooove hands and am often happier to get my goody from a guy getting on my g-spot than getting fucked. (though i do loooooove to get fucked.) suffice it to say, i've got a pretty broad & expansive notion of sexual play and it's not just about penile-vaginal penetration. yet when faced with a high level of polymorphous perverse sexuality, almost every man i've dated has become distinctly uncomfortable with the amount of sex i want. a few (the more sensitive ones) have even used the words "objectified" and "feeling used for sex" and "overwhelmed." and i mean--i take good care of people so it's not like i'm just about getting mine. far from it. but i've become fairly resigned to the fact that it's very unlikely that a single man will be able to fulfill my sexual needs. i've had three relationships i can think of where i got my fill of sex: one was with a woman, one with a man, and one with a married couple i dated for a year. (in case you're wondering how much is enough, i am generally a three times a day girl--i want sex sex morning & late afternoon, and some special treat, not necessarily intercourse, at bedtime. and a few more times on the weekends.)

myth about men #2: all men want to do threesomes.
so--let's say that you have a sweet, loving, sexy, bisexual girlfriend with lots of bisexual female friends. according to our conventional cultural assumptions about masculinity, we might assume that said sweet, loving, sexy, bisexual girlfriend would be inundated with requests from various male partners to do threesomes, especially if she has mentioned casually that she would not be averse to the idea if it would please said male partner. i've never had a single guy i dated ask me to do a threesome (the couple i dated don't count). not one. some of them get "feelings" (sex is the curse of the feeling class), some of them get anxious (over ability issues, i believe), and others get possessive (over my pussy, apparently). my theory is that lesbian sex becomes a lot harder to fetishize & fantasize over once one is confronted with the fact that women really can and do pleasure each other & don't exist solely for male pleasure. i honestly do think that men are deeply threatened by women's autonomous sexual desire. sure it's real 70s style theorizing, but that don't make it wrong.

myth about men #3: all men want multiple sexual partners.
taking off from #2, i think most men believe that an open relationship would be ideal. even if it's just open for them! i've also told male partners who had things for other women that they could pursue them. (not in a mean way, just a "hey honey, if you wanna hit that just be careful & safe & have fun.") again, the suggestion never taken up. those feelings happen again, and it's funny to see the stiff dicks wilt when they have the freedom to pursue other women. when it comes down to it i think men primarily want comfort in their sexual lives, and getting (or having!) to pursue other women is just so much work!

i don't mean these observations to cut on men. in fact, i think it's great that men refuse to conform to patriarchal and masculinist imperatives and instead show evidence of their humanity and ability to resemble full human beings.

all the same, sometimes i wouldn't mind a threesome.

ethical dilemmas in SIU: question #2

is deception ever justified?

so, let's say that one is a dirty fuckin whore who meets people via an online dating service specifically designed for hooking up. let's further say that one meets someone who one likes a lot, but because one has met this person via the aforementioned ODSSDFHU, and one is such a whore that one's profile has specifically rejected "dating" or "relationships," it's a little weird to shift gears and talk about whether one is going to "date." still with me?

so: my intellectual, rational, calm, normal side (which is like 98% of my brain) says "just talk to him. put it out there and if he says he is interested in spending more time together, fine. if not, no big deal." (and i'm not just rationalizing--i really wouldn't cry or anything. i wouldn't even care if he was fucking other people. but i wouldn't mind more phone calls and knowing it was okay to drop by & see him during the day & bring him flowers and stuff.) and that's what i would do 98% of the time. but clearly, "what feels right ain't been working for you dawg. you need to try some wrong."[1] so instead, i am trying to be sneaky.

now, i make no claims to be good at sneaky. i don't have a lot of practice. but anyway, i took out another ad, with a totally new profile, etc., (tho no photos) in the same place where i met jesus. i made a few significant changes, including the stated desire for a dating type relationship. just curious if he will write to the new me. and if he does--do i ask him if he's seeing anyone? how disgustingly sneaky do i get? even the thought of it creeps me out, but hey--it feels wrong, so i'm doin it.


1. said by jay to andy in "the 40 year old virgin," the best movie of 2005. "crash" (and "brokeback mountain," for that matter, can kiss my stank ass. "capote" was pretty good.)


UPDATE: i pulled the second ad after a few hours. just felt shitty about it. am feeling less and less crushed on jesus (though i still like him a lot as a person, but the initial glow is, thankfully, fading), so felt like this was unnecessarily psycho. did post a real new ad, with a photo he would recognize. felt like that was more upfront & honest.

anallize* this

* you should see the entry below (so to speak. insert moronic-sounding beavis & butthead laugh here.) for the origin of this delightfully appropriate misspelling.

here’s a sort of confession: i’ve never done anal. i’ve wanted to for a long time, but i used to have lots of troublesome health issues that didn’t particularly make me excited about the for-real thought of cramming something up my cramhole. by the time i managed to get those issues under control anal sex was the equivalent of a kate spade bag—every pathetic mediocre wanna be was on the bandwagon. booooooring.

but though i have managed to hang on to my own secondary cherry i’ve fucked a lot of guys in the ass. in fact, i was once quoted (on a day when i was completely wasted by 10am) as saying that “analingus is the cure for the patriarchy.” why? i’ll tell you why. and i’ll tell you how.

first the how. i usually start off with a fabulous blowjob. i already give great BJs (and i have to say that from feedback i’ve gotten, i think i give really great BJs on a regular day), but when i decide i want to take some guy’s ass down i try to make it a super excellent BJ. after 10 or 15 minutes of excruciatingly excellent oral lovin involving extensive attention to the balls & beneath, boys are usually weak and helpless beneath my tongue. once they are sufficiently incapacitated with pleasure, it’s easy to slide lower & lower, til they slowly start admitting to themselves that it feels pretty good. there’s often an uncomfortable psychic moment for guys here, but a few extra strokes on the shaft (“look honey—you’re still a real man with a great big hard penis!”) takes care of those fears. that accomplished, i usually like to turn them on their hip to really get going. there’s sometimes another moment here, which is why you can’t stop the strokin. once they’re over that second hump, it’s generally pretty easy to finish the rollover, get them on their knees, and stick my tongue in their ass while giving the reacharound. personally i love to keep going and actually get my hands dirty, but i actually prefer to do that later, incorporated into a regular BJ. there’s nothing quite as delightful as giving a guy his first prostate orgasm. i’ve had guys (and i fuck big, manly men. blue collar, working class, beer-drinking athletes who can install wiring, build cabinetry, and sweat pipe and shit.) beg me to fuck them in the ass and scream and pass out and stuff. it’s quite rewarding. plus they really like to cuddle afterward.

but why? and how will analingus overthrow male power? cause getting their asshole licked makes boys feel all squirmy and soft and weak inside. basically, it makes them feel like girls. and once you like getting something licked you want to put other things in there. and once boys start taking it in the ass they can’t claim the kind of male privilege that comes with having an impermeable, impenetrable body. you put yourself in someone’s hands—literally—and let them use you. and there’s something incredibly subversive about that.* and that’s the way, uh huh uh huh, i like it, uh huh uh huh.

haven’t sprung this particular move on jesus yet, but i will soon. and you know what—i haven’t had a guy yet who hasn’t loved it. he will too.


* note that though i believe sex and politics are closely intertwined i do not believe that sex is a substitute for politics. please vote with your head, not with your pussy.

SIU random diatribe #1: why i hate porn

so here's my deal with porn: i have old-school, pretty radical feminist politics. i like porn and watch porn, and while i don't feel guilty about it i do feel like it's incumbent on watchers to sit back every once in a while and figure out what exactly is getting them off and why. i think there is a lot of deception, exploitation, and violence in various adult industries, and i try to be a thoughtful, aware consumer. i tend to like amateur &/or homemade stuff, because i think the women are often more attractive (less skinny, fewer implants, shorter fingernails) and the sex is hotter cause they are having some fun. but mainstream porn, both video and online, has been really pissing me off for a long time.

i wish that we as a society would just say out loud, "you know, we're really threatened by women's halting but real progress toward social and economic equality. all that stuff about women earning the same as men and having educational opportunities and access to things like contraception and abortion makes it really seem like women could be independent, equal human beings, recognized as individuals worthy of respect and dignity. and that's sort of scary.

so how about if every porn flick made for the last five years has women getting relentlessly and roughly fucked up the ass, preferably by a few different guys and if possible at the same time, then make her suck her own ass juice off the various cocks that have just been inside her. let's be sure that porn never shows, values, or makes even the slightest gesture (so to speak) toward women's sexual pleasure or fulfillment, except as another way to show men's power over women's bodies. let's focus on pure, unadulterated humiliation, like having a woman perform oral sex on a man for pretty much the sole purpose of making her puke and cry on camera. let's be sure to make women feel degraded and dirty for being sexual by kicking them to the curb, literally and figuratively, after we're done fucking them.

let's be sure that men expect and that women believe that you can't have sex unless the woman looks like a pre-pubescent child, with every scrap of pubic hair removed, asshole waxed and bleached, and bones poking out everywhere--except that she's also gotta have impossibly large breasts that are completely out of proportion to her figure and likely to give her back problems for the rest of her life. and best of all--let's make pornification such a prevalent and acceptable part of everyday life that women believe their worth in the world is wrapped up in showing their tits, taking on a gang bang, doing shit they don't like with men who have the sexual finesse and skill of a goat, and generally making their sexual freedom and desire subservient to men.

yeah. we're starting to feel less worried about that whole 'women's equality' thing now. what a relief."

a slut gets smitten

so a few weeks ago i posted some personal ads, described below, looking to hook up. for a girl who really likes to get laid it's been a long dry spell for me. here's the backstory:

my partner & i ended things seven months ago, and we had pretty much stopped having sex about seven months before that. (i think the last time we had sex was fourth of july weekend before finally calling it quits in october.) things had gotten really stressful around sex--full of anxiety and conflict and anger--and neither of us wanted to do it very much. it was really quite awful. after we split up i hooked up with a friend several times, but that was fairly unsatisfying. i'm not his physical type (young, dumb, skinny, long hair, big tits), and while i think we both enjoyed some of the physical aspects it was not exactly great for my sexual healing. thus ... the ads.

okay. jesus was the first person i met up with through any of my ads. he found me through AFF; i had originally bypassed his ad cause i didn't like his screen name and it contained a cock shot. (at first i was gonna be all high standards and shit and not reply to any ads with cock shots. i quickly realized that was not going to be feasible.) when i finally checked out his profile it rocked. he sounded great--funny, smart, interesting, confident, etc. plus he lives close by, which is a huge bonus. i loooooove the afternooner so having someone available for that was a total point in his favor. anyway, we made a date for sunday evening at 6, and i was ready to go. i was firmly convinced that i would not fuck anyone that night, but i figured i might bring him back for a hot makeout sess, so cleaned the apartment, washed my sheets, & got the trim trimmed.

we met up and man was he cute. actually, he is really beautiful. way too skinny for my taste (5'10" and all of about 135 lbs, but ripped like a motherfuck, which is a huge turn on. in my arms he feels like a little easter chick, all delicate bones and supple skin, except that he does martial arts and could kill me with his bare hands. hot stuff!), but just a beautiful face and astonishingly lovely eyes. he makes me feel all melty inside.

anyway, we had two drinks and some good funny conversation. it's a little weird to meet through an explicitly sexual site--apparently it sort of makes people feel like they should only talk about sex. since i don't fuck people i don't actually like and i think it's no big deal to fuck someone (meaning: for me it's not fraught with all kinds of emotional baggage and ridiculous game-playing drama) i would much prefer to just have a fun chat and see if i'm interested enough to want to keep going. so we did that--all fun & games. we decided to get some dinner and went to a great little cafe that i've been wanting to try. he clearly knew food & wine, and was a total gentleman. now, i actually hate traditional gender roles and refuse to do things like let men pay for shit just cause they have a penis. i hate that bullshit and the inequality i believe it perpetuates. however i do appreciate and value courtsey, civility, and respect. and when jesus insisted on paying for everything i felt like it wasn't a man thing but a courtsey thing. so it was okay. at one point over dinner as we are laughing and bantering he just looked at me and said something like "anytime you want to give me the ravish command i'm there."

[N.B.: why did this get me wet? 1. said in a totally normal, conversational tone. just indicating that hey--he's totally ready and willing, indicating definite interest while still letting me make the first physical move. 2. said in a non-threatening, non-pressure environment. we're in the middle of dinner; it's not like we're standing outside my front door or anything. plenty of time to process that.]

so what did i do? after dinner we were talking about going back to my place for some pinochle since we were both freaked out & delighted to find we both play. as we discovered that he said "no! you weren't supposed to be so cool! i wasn't supposed to like you this much!" then he told me to "stop being so foxy" for about the fifth time. i pulled him into the darkened doorway of a little shop and made the move. nice hot making out ensued, and we were definitely on to go back to my place for more than a little pinochle. (though i will point out that we did play for almost an hour before getting down to business. i popped open a bottle of wine and we did some dealing before we both gave in.)

the sex was hot. he definitely has the largest overall cock i've ever experienced. i've probably fucked one other guy as large around, but no one close to this long. and after so long without sex i was a little startled. damn. but i like to get fucked really hard, and i get off on a certain amount of pain, and once we got things working it was really okay. plus he held me down by the arms while he fucked me really hard so i was just in heaven. then we both pretty much passed out til the next morning, when we fucked twice more. afterward i felt like a samurai who committed seppuku then had to stuff all my internal organs back inside myself. and i couldn't ride my bike for a couple of days too.

over the next couple of days we exchanged a few emails, in which i said that i really liked him and the sex, and he confessed that he also really enjoyed spending time together. since then we've had a bunch of dates and a fair amount of sex. it's quite nice. i think one of the things i like most about him is the way i feel with him. it's sort of like being a kid again. we make out in doorways and hallway closets and elevators, we put up the arm and cuddle in the movie theater, we lean in close to talk and whisper and give little brushing kisses. i have to restrain myself from licking him regularly. (and occasionally i give in and do lick him--i'll write up the little story about giving him a hummer at work...)

so i totally admit (to everyone except him) that i'm completely smitten. but why, and what does that mean? am i just all emotionally vulnerable, falling for the first person who makes me feel good sexually in a long time? am i just needy--needing to be cared for & take care of someone to show myself that i'm not a totally defective girlfriend? do i want a totally casual fling? some danny zuko summer lovin? am i thinking long-term?

even more pressing is the issue of whether to see other people. over the last few days i had two dates with other people from the ads. i told them i had just started seeing someone great, but figured i would test my affections for jesus by meeting some other folks. the first one was a dud (a sweet guy, but totally not my taste), while the second one was a lot of fun. so--what is a smitten slut to do? do i want to see other people? do i tell jesus i'm meeting up with this guy? what if i want to fuck him? what would be the right thing for a slut to do--give jesus the right of first refusal over my time? just go ahead & meet up with the athlete without telling him? i mean--i have to assume jesus is seeing other people (even though i don't think that he is) and i'm fine with that, even though i would enjoy some more of his time. but if he's into me too, how do we move from the context of a "let's meet for sex" thing to something perhaps more relationship (even short-term) oriented? i'm confused! this wasn't supposed to happen! but hey--shit happens. and smit happens too.